Prengancy & Infant Loss Remembrance Day

Two years ago this month should have been a very happy day for Blake & I – it would have been the month I gave birth to our first child. Instead, I had a miscarriage in my third month of pregnancy.

While remembering that incredibly difficult time, I consider myself spared in that I did not have to watch my baby suffer, or hold it in my arms, knowing that they would soon be ushered into heaven. I thank God I was spared that – I don’t think I am strong enough to have gone to that dark place and come back from it. It is unimaginable for me after experiencing a tiny piece of those feelings. But many of you have been there, and today I remember you.

While some can’t understand the hopes and dreams you have for a child before it is born, or the tremendous love you feel for something you didn’t even know existed such a short time before, I do understand. I write this not as a “woe is me” story, but share this because today I am thinking of all those who have suffered this harsh pain, all the babies that won’t be loved here on earth, but in heaven. I can relate to your pain, and I know that the loss is great. Today, I’m missing your babies with you.

Life is fragile, nothing is guaranteed. I think many women find it uncomfortable to talk about miscarriage, but I find it comforting that I am not alone. An astounding 20% of pregnancies end in miscarriage, making it far more “common” than most know.

And now, two years later, I don’t sob every time I think about it. I still cry when I see tiny babies, but now not because of sadness, but because I know that immense joy. I don’t ever want to forget my first pregnancy -- it’s a part of me, it’s a part of our story. I still think about our first baby, what could have been. And I am sad that I will never go through a pregnancy without that fear in my heart that in an instant, it can be taken away from you. But that fear isn’t limited to those who have experienced loss, I think any woman who has been pregnant can relate to that fear.

We have since been blessed beyond our wildest dreams – and in a way, I’ve always thought it was life’s way of making it up to me by giving me our sweet twin boys – not as a replacement, but certainly to help fill that void in my heart caused by my first pregnancy. And it has given me an incredible compassion for those who have suffered this way.

So, today I think of all those mothers who have empty arms, and while I don’t fully understand your pain, I am immensely sorry for your loss.

And to the baby I will never know, I carry your brothers in my arms, but I carry you in my heart. Know that you were loved and wanted -- very, very much.